Limericks

Apr 27, 2019
Originally published on April 27, 2019 11:22 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows at the Mann Center in Philadelphia on June 27 and at the Blossom Music Center in Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, on July 18. And if you think our show would be better if you were the star, check out the Wait Wait Quiz on your smart speaker. Just say, open the Wait Wait Quiz, and Bill and I will be there to ask you questions about this week's news in your very home. You could even win one of our voices on your voicemail.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

SONIA VEDRAL: Hi. This is Sonia calling from New Orleans, La.

SAGAL: New Orleans - one of my favorite places on this Earth. How do you - how - what do you do there?

VEDRAL: So I actually work in Mississippi, but I'm an educator making curriculum for high school students all about sea level rise.

SAGAL: Really? Which is...

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Oh, good for you.

SAGAL: ...Which is an issue.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: I mean, people down where you live in the far south Delta, they - you can't really argue about sea level rise because it's basically sloshing at your ankles, right?

VEDRAL: Yeah, that's right. It's definitely something to every coast in even the interior of the United States.

SAGAL: Do you think there's any chance that we here in Chicago will have ocean-front property? Because that would be pretty cool...

VEDRAL: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...For us.

VEDRAL: Probably not.

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Sonia. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in, of course, the last word or phrase on just two of them, you'll win our prize. Ready to go?

VEDRAL: Yes.

SAGAL: Here is the first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: With my veil through the pre-check I'm heading. The best men's late flight we are dreading. Still, terminal three is the right place to be. Southwest is the theme of our...

VEDRAL: Wedding.

SAGAL: Yes, wedding.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: If you've ever gotten off a flight with a dry mouth while also having to pee and thought, gee, I wish I was getting married right now, then take a tip from a couple who got married at a baggage claim in the Cleveland airport. Don't laugh. Have you been to baggage carousel six? It is the Paris of Ohio.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The couple chose to get married at the Southwest baggage claim because they met there 12 years earlier. And Southwest, charmed by this, promised any day now that their bags will show up.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's not true. What is true is that Southwest donated airline snacks for the reception...

POUNDSTONE: Oh, geez.

SAGAL: ...And, as a treat, even let the bride and groom have a full can of soda.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Sadly, however, because they checked in late, they weren't able to stand next to each other.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, Sonia. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The collapsible screen I'm re-molding. Now the shards of my phone I'm beholding. This phone isn't smart 'cause it just breaks apart. Like a map, it just can't handle...

VEDRAL: Folding.

SAGAL: Folding, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Samsung is delaying the release of its highly anticipated Galaxy Fold phone, which has a foldable screen. Now, it's true the screen has a tendency to break, but it only happens if you fold it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It breaks, by the way, in the bad way where your screen doesn't work and not in the good way where you get two smaller phones you can share with a friend like a Kit Kat.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The phone was expected to retail for $2,000. You may be thinking, wait - isn't that just really an expensive flip phone? No, because flip phones worked.

(LAUGHTER)

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: They were the folks that had the...

SAGAL: Exploding phone, yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: ...Exploding phones, too. So I'm just wondering, like, you know, is this the same, you know, engineer?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Is he coming in, they're like, what do you got? I know the exploding phone - that was all me - my bad. Folding phones that break - boom.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: I ran from the gym for a quick snack. I skipped crunches, but doctors can fix that. I've neglected my abs, but there's no excess flab 'cause a surgeon is sculpting my...

VEDRAL: Six-pack.

SAGAL: Six-pack, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Very good.

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

KURTIS: Wow, that was good.

SAGAL: This week...

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: This week, the American Society of Plastic Surgeons unveiled a new technique called abdominal etching where they sculpt your belly fat into a six-pack.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Finally, a simple, painless way to get rock-soft abs.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The procedure requires multiple follow-up visits and for the patient to wear foam dressings on their stomach for weeks to keep the etchings in place till they set. So if you think a tight corset pressing into your belly fat for weeks is better than going to the gym, you're right. It really is.

(LAUGHTER)

LUKE BURBANK: Have you seen the photo of what this looks like?

SAGAL: It's terrible. It's not very convincing.

BURBANK: It is so upsetting.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: Like, imagine a six-pack, but all the muscles are just little packets of fat.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Wait till Laird finds out he could have done that.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Sonia do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Sonia is good - 3 and 0...

POUNDSTONE: Wow.

KURTIS: ...Perfect score.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Sonia.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing.

VEDRAL: Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "SEXY AND I KNOW IT")

LMFAO: (Singing) Girl, look at that body. Girl, look at that body. Girl, look at that body. I work out. When I walk in the spot, yeah, this is what I see. OK. Everybody stops and they staring at me. I got passion in my pants, and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it. I'm sexy and I know it. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.